getting to the heart of it.

So from now on, this blog will only be open to invited readers.  There have been so many things I've wanted to write in the past few days but it wasn't appropriate for public reading.  I'm not Carrie Bradshaw and my personal life is therefore, not public property.  Gone are the days when I thought I could write freely and bare my soul.  Even the WWW is a small small world these days.  So, for those of you who have access to this blog, these are my most private thoughts and feelings.  I'm counting on you to respect that (and not share this with anyone else), and in return you will see and know the real me.

So, what's new?  I'm back in Bris.  My kejap ada, kejap takde period was late and I was secretly hoping that I could be growing a baby sister for Ilhan but alas, it's not meant to be.  It's not that I'm desperate for another screaming, smelly kid, but everyone who's had their first baby when I had mine either have just had or are having another one.  I'm feeling the intense pressure to reproduce again.  Plus, the biological clock is going tick tick tick tick tick and it's driving me nuts.  Benci betul.  Padahal Danni Minogue just had her first baby last night and she's what, 38? ok je.  Tak menggelabah pun.  So, why am I so menggelabah?! Urgh.

This damn tumour in my brain is not helping either.  Screwing with my hormones, inducing me into early menopause.  I used to think - wow, even with a tumour in my brain, God let me have a baby without much fuss; I would be the most grateful mother on earth.  But I suppose because he made it so easy the first time around, I'm thinking, kenapa tak boleh sekali lagi saje lagi?  Hate myself for being an ingrate.  I know that I should follow up with my medication.  And I know I need to wean Ilhan, pronto.  And I also don't know why I haven't done any of these things.  Not completely, anyway.  I am also falling back on the convenient excuse that "everything happens for a reason".  Therein lies another piece of self-loathing for today.

It's winter here.  Real winter today.  And by that I mean, winter full of gloom and doom.  Unlike the normal winters here in Brisbane which to me make a mockery of "winter".  Nama je winter, tapi sunny nak mampos macam duduk tepi pantai sambil ditiup angin sepoi-sepoi bahasa.  Who the hell calls that winter??

I went to see Eclipse again today.  And I don't know if it's the weather or the movie or the general monotony of being married, but I'm beginning to feel the stirrings of wanting to be newly in love again.  That first kiss, the intense longing for another person, the excitement of having someone on your mind so much that it renders you useless for much anything else.  Not unlike an idiot.  I'm glad to say that I've been lucky enough to have that.  A few times.  Haha.  I guess this obsession with Edward Cullen pun is because he incites all those feelings in me again.  Love like that though, comes with a dark side.  Unbearable pain so intense that you lose yourself in it; that drives you to hurt your physical being just to prove to yourself (and maybe a bit of the world around you too) that the pain really does exist.  Because it doesn't make sense, to hurt so much and not see a damn bleeding wound.  Been there, done that.  Gawd, how I've been there.  Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm Team Edward or Team Bella.  Yes, Bella... not that child, Jacob.  Hotbod that he is, but children who act macho don't do it for me.  Bella, however, I can relate to. 

It feels good to be able to say what I really want to. Gotta go pick up the kid now.  But, I'll be back.